Ode to Death


Do you get up in the mornings and wish you’d woken up dead? I do.

Personally, I can’t wait to be rolling over in my grave. Think of the benefits of death. Number one would be not having to listen to your brain-dead boss ever again. You know, that boss; he (generally, it’s a he) he’s the one with the IQ of a houseplant, and each day insists on giving you his homespun slice of personal philosophy about the problems of your generation and the slack attitude of the average worker.

While you might miss certain things, you surely won’t miss getting up early, public transport or the relentless bombardment of bad, horrifying, uninteresting and just plain icky news. In other words, most daily radio, television, and print articles.

What else won’t you miss? How about advertising telling you how to eat, think, drink water, drive a car, where to take a holiday, the right pimple cream or simply being confronted by another useless product that you will wonder why you ever bought and probably chuck out the next time you move.

Death has many benefits.

Just think, no tax, teachers or terrifying financial hardship. Not that there’s much wrong with most teachers, but it’s the horrible ones that can ruin your life, the ones that make you learn. You won't care how much a funeral costs: you won’t be around to hear all the complaints about that miserable mongrel who never saved a cent for his or her own demise. You I’m talking about.

No more worrying or complaining about or experiencing the disastrous weather, especially in Canberra — boiling one day, freezing the next.

How about, no crowds, alarm clocks, waiting in line, suffering, and pain, or doing the bloody washing and ironing; what a waste of an important life that stuff is. And, every other god damned unimportant, trivial, meaningless, dull and useless stupid thing. I can’t wait until I’m dead; it’s going to be so good.

Here’s a short list of things I won’t miss when I’m dead.

Pop music, pop songs, pop singers, male and female, the sound of pop music, pop music videos, their mundane album covers and the antics of pop musicians. But, I will miss jazz: ah jazz, the greatest of all musical styles. Did you know only jazz musicians can get into heaven?

Have you thought about your death lately? It will happen. One day, there you’ll be, planning something or interested in some new thing, and then, wham, along comes death, just to wake you up and stop everything forever.

Just to whet your appetite further for you impending death, here are 11 Fascinating Books to Help Us Talk About Death and Dying.

So if you’ve put something off until a later date, do it. Do it now, before it’s all over. But remember your death, and mine will be a beautiful and serene existence.